I think my previous entry was a success! I was able to reconnect with several awesome people whom I have not seen in a long time. Plus, I was able to re-establish myself as a legitimate member of the LJ community.

Unfortunately, the success of the last post was also marred by failure. I love ya'll dearly but no one knows of job opps in FL? Not even a snarky comment was made about the job search. Sigh, disappointed.

On the bright side, I have a phone interview tomorrow with a firm down in Jax. Woot!

it has been way too long since i have been able to update my livejournal. sometimes i wonder if it is worth keeping. then i go and look at my friends page and remember that this is pretty much my only contact with some people.

so in a nutshell my life:
1. work sucks. it really really sucks.
2. relationship rocks. it really really rocks.
3. deployments are evil. they should end.
4. april can not get here fast enough.
5. being sick sucks, especially when combined with #1.
6. i need a new job, preferably down in FL. anyone know of any job opps?

I hate it when i am being silly. I really do. Unfortunately no one is around to remind me of how silly I am being.

There are some days when i wonder to what i am another day closer. Another day closer to happiness? Seems hard to imagine being happier than i am right now. Another day closer to understanding and wisdom? It is impossible to be close let alone closer to something that doesn't really have an end. perhaps it just means that i am another step closer to becoming the woman i was meant to become, whoever she may be.

At other times i know it is another step closer to wanting to smack all men upside the head and ask them what, if anything, they were thinking. Seriously, DB can't live without a computer at home? what have i been doing for several months now!? Not that hard...sure there are personal sacrifices that must be made in the name of being computerless (which should only last for another day or so for me ::crosses fingers::) but over all it is a very nice and refreshing way of living. Imagine living like our parents did--no email and video games when you get home, simply dinner, a movie, a book, a walk, the nice, simple pleasures of life. Sigh, if only. Until then, i am getting in plenty of practice sending care packages!

Hmm, i do have to say that the past few weeks ahve been very educational for me. I have learned quite a bit about where my life is possibly headed. It makes me nervous in an excited way. Ohh...so much to talk about. I am going to be back in Y-town from the 30-1 if anyone wants to get together on the 31st...send me a private message with your phone number if you do. i have basically no one's contact information any more. very depressing. please please please send me your number even if you can't get together then! trust me, we ahve a lot of catching up to do....

I passed the LEED AP exam! yay!

Just in case anyone cares, that means I am now an "accredited professional" when it comes to designing green or environmentally friendly buildings.

i have truly moved forward a step--as of april 1st i will have 'moved' to a new apartment.

I say 'moved' because furniture will not be there yet...soon though.

If anyone is interested in my new contact information, drop me a message.

the elixir of life is truly 1 packet of sugar free hot chocolate mix + 2 packs hazelnut flavored splenda +hot water.

step 1: complete.
step 2: I might need some help from here on out....

While everything i said in my last entry was true, i didn't write it with the intention to worry anyone. i wrote it because i feel so horrible about how i have treated all of you, my friends. knowing that you have forgiven me and are still there for me has been an incredible feeling, one i don't know if i deserve.

and just so everyone knows, i am starting to take the steps necessary to correct the current situation. it may take some time, but i am taking the first steps.

thank you.

I don't know how i got to this place in my life.

Looking back, i see many small decisions that led to big decisions that led here and yet, I still don't understand it at all.

I honestly feel as though my entire life right now is just one giant lie. i lie about what i do, who I talk to, what i feel, what i like...everything. i am living one giant lie. the worst part about it, i know that i am doing all of this. i know why i am doing all of this and i hate it. i hate it with every fiber of my being. i feel so alone right now it is unbelievable. the worst part is, i want to reach out to my friends, but i can't. he would know. and so i go on, alone, lonely, and lying.

please, to all of you, my friends who are reading this--i haven't forgotten you. i will never forget you. i want all of you in my life. things are just...complicated...i really miss all of you. trust me as you have never trusted me before. i know i haven't been a good friend for the past year or so, but i need you. i need you so much but i don't know what to do. just know that no matter what happens, i really do love and miss you all.

in the end, i don't think i am strong enough for this.